20 Reasons You Should Get Food Poisoning in Thailand
Reader Discretion is Advised [for the immense amount of sarcasm in this article]
In my previous article, I mentioned that I got sick with food poisoning. Without further ado, here’s how it went down, and why you should get food poisoning in Thailand.
1. You get up close and personal with your bathroom for seven hours straight. (At least I have a nice bathroom with a western toilet!)
2. You puke blood because the human body is just really neat.
3. You spend one week in the hospital, complete with your first IV, and you DGAF about the needle because you were so dehydrated upon arrival that you couldn’t stop staring at the water in the waiting room... staring as if you were looking at a burrito or doughnuts.
4. You lose a substantial amount of weight for the time frame.
5. So when you eventually go back to work, coworkers, students, and your boss comment that you are “slim, slim,” and that your face is very white.* Cool, at least I’m making one of the worst experiences of my life work for me.
*In Thailand, being fair skinned is considered the beauty ideal, unlike in the U.S. It’s ironic because, here, Thai people could be tan much easier than I could, and some may be naturally rather tan; however, there are an abundance of skin products for whitening the skin in order to appear more beautiful as according to the Thai societal standard. So here, people work to whiten their skin where they could have tan skin, and in the U.S., the people of Western European decent work to look tan where they are naturally fair skinned. Why do we do this to ourselves, people???
6. Continuing on from my soapbox, you get to wear this super cute outfit. Which goes swimmingly with these super cute shoes.
7. You have a fever, so they don’t let you shower, and nurses have to rub you with wash clothes on your bed.
8. You get your colon swabbed, so they can test for an infection - which you of course have because of the food poisoning. At least it didn’t actually hurt.
[sorry, photo not featured]
9. You get to enjoy some unknown food (which consisted of variations of meat with meat broth) and rice porridge every. single. day. And they won’t let you have fruits, vegetables, or juice because of your infection. It's okay because you can barely eat anyways.
10. This is where it gets real: you get the wonderful experience of lactating, as it’s a side effect of the medication that the hospital gives you to prevent you from vomiting, because the human body is, again, super neat. Like, how does that even make sense?! And in case you didn't know, lactating SUCKS and the subsequent enlargement of certain body parts is incredibly painful. Again, just in case you didn’t know.
Congratulations: your Gretchen has evolved into a cow!
11. However, prior to figuring out that it’s due to the medication, you consult a breast surgeon about why you are suddenly lactating, and he tells you that you most likely have a brain tumor on your pituitary gland because your hormone level is out of whack.
12. You then freak out for two minutes before putting them college-educated research skills 2 werk, and discover - in a mere five minutes of researching online while thinking that you’re going to need to go home immediately because you might need BRAIN SURGERY - that it is most likely because of the medication the hospital prescribed you. The endocrinologist that you consult the next day agrees and basically calls the surgeon an idiot.
13. You’re finally able to leave the hospital after one week, only paying 25 baht, and you’re actually dumb enough to believe that insurance covered it all. Let’s all pause for a moment to have a good laugh about that one. #sansObamaCare
14. Only then, you find out from the school that they paid the 30,000 baht bill for you, but they are going to take it out of your paycheck for the next three months - instead of checking with you first, when you would’ve rather used a credit card. (Thank God for my dad putting that amount of money in my account because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to feed myself with my reduced salary! Shout out to my dad… thanks, D!) They must really want you to stay "slim, slim."
Now let’s play the silver-lining game:
15. At least you have this view!
16. You also get this gift from the hospital. (a towel and a gift certificate to their spa because they didn't get enough of my money)
17. And you get this message from your school’s director.
18. Plus, you get visited by one of the school’s administrative women multiple times, and she tucks you in before she leaves!
19. And then, you get visited by a Thai teacher coworker with one of your students, and they bring you cookies (which you can’t eat yet but slam down in two days once you’re able to).
20. Naturally, you bawl like a baby as soon as they leave because you’re so touched.
Thankfully I’m healthy now, and all there is to do is just laugh and educate you lucky people on my authentic experience in Thailand.
Comment with questions or suggestions for a post! I’ll be writing more frequently in the future because I’ve done some traveling and experienced a lot recently. :) -G